Since the day i was born, i have always thought very much about death and what would happen afterwards. In the beginning i thought that i was abnormal and strange, considering my thoughts and emotional outbursts. At the tender age of 15 i tried to focus my thoughts on something else then death and other horrible things. My attention wandered towards the other sex, namely girls.
It was an exciting time with a lot of new explorations to be make and discovering myself in the process. But still those thoughts were there in the back of my head, taunting me and pushing buttons. My emotional problems manifested themselves as violent behaviour and i discovered that i had a tendency to provoke reactions and end up in trouble.
At times, especially when i was training, i tried to push the limit all the time, just to see what would happen. Testing what my body could take and also try to find the limit, the limit of what could be done. A sort of destructive process designed by myself to test the limits of my own pain threshold. My behaviour was radical and my parents even considered counselling to straighten me out. But, my adventures with girls and things weren’t over.
I kept on training and training and pushing the envelope even more, almost to the point of stupidity. I trained 7 days a week, lifting weights and canoeing up and down the shoreline, just to test the limit. For some strange reason it became almost a sort of therapy to train all the time. A turning point was probably the day i found that i could use my muscles to something else, then just training. I had all the aggressiveness and destructive behaviour since birth and started to seek trouble in the form of fights. One should remember that i at the time was 1.83 cm tall and around 87 kilo muscles and with an attitude and appetite for destruction. Not a really good combination at all.
In retrospect i really regret that period in my life, since i hurt a lot of people with my antics, not just with things that i did, but also emotional and psychological damage. I ended up in trouble time and time again with detention and various other things. By the time i was 18 i shifted from using my fists to using my brain a bit more, a good alternative and most likely the best one to date. The destructive pattern is still there and the willingness to push the envelope is also there, but not to the degree that it ones was, in my earlier years, between 15-17.
Trying to figure out things and also trying to find answers to my beloved relationship with death and destruction, i started to read a lot of poetry and novels on the topic. Mainly to educate me more and also to find some comfort in the words by the authors. However a new downward spiral emerged and while moving to Malmö i started to drink and write really depressing poetry as well a discovering the dormant side of my personality, the violent one.
I was sort of looking for trouble during my one year period in Malmö and i certainly found it. After breaking my nose, while in a fight, at a nightclub i started questioning myself and what i was doing to myself. Time for a fresh start and reverting back to basics and starting over. I left Malmö and started over. At this time i was around 20-21 years old and i focused on teaching myself new things. A wise decision when i look back on it.
However, the poetry and parts of the destructive behaviour is still there, but i’m not so destructive that i would go out and seek trouble, just for the fun of it, as before. Nowadays i write poetry as an exercise with words and emotions, not as a way of telling everyone that i need help or that i’m going to kill myself. In a sense i’m more destructive today then i was at age 15-20. Today i’m using my destructiveness towards creativity, a much smarter and better choice.
It’s one thing to be self aware and it’s another being aware of yourself and your abilities. Regretfully i didn’t realize this sooner. Instead i through away much of my childhood towards drinking, fighting and doing stupid things that i regret still to this day. I wish one could start all over and set things right from the very beginning…
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