Thought process

On a more serious note, then the “I kissed a boy and i kind of liked it“, i’ve been trying to come up with more poetry for the website and also some more thoughtful things, deep stuff, if you know what i mean. But, and this is big BUT, i really need to be depressed to be able to write good poetry and i haven’t really been depressed for some time now. Actually pretty happy and content with the whole life thing.

However, there are always things that you need to change or want to change and those things might be so big, that you become depressed by even thinking about them. One thing that i really would love to change is my relationship status from being single to occupied or something like that. That however requires another person and finding that other someone is not always easy, not when you have a mind filled with things that you don’t really need, like thoughts and stuff.

Who really needs thoughts ? Who really needs thoughts about life, what could have been and what could have not been ? A lot of strange thoughts that bubble up inside my head and slowly taking over my thought process making you inept and slightly preoccupied, maybe even emotionless to outside influence. Welcome to my world, this is me almost every day of the week, after i get off work.

Sometimes, i truly believe that i’m rationalizing and coming up with far better solutions to my own problems and ideas about almost everything that surrounds me, but in reality i’m not really doing that, i’m just dwelling on things that maybe not need to be dwelled upon any more. It’s really scare when you look upon yourself from the outside and not the inside, you tend to find things that might not be good characteristics or flaws that needs attention.

Lately i’ve been thinking about the first impression, what impact it might have on a person and what signals i give out. Some would say that i’m too bright for my own brain, some would say that i lack social skills and others might even go so far as to say that i’m bored and discontent. They all might be true things about me, because i can give the impression of being extremely bored, discontent, socially challenged as well as being the brightest star in the sky. I am that complex and it’s not your fault for interpreting wrong. It’s a matter of getting to know me and also to look a bit deeper and maybe find things that you love or even hate.

Looking upon the world
I might look upon the world very differently then you and maybe see beauty where you might see ugliness and that is okay. We are all different and that might just be the thing that make us human after all.  Where i find beauty and peace of mind is within music, code (AJAX, XHTML and PHP), movies, images and a whole lot more. All those things might be the same for almost all of us, but not the code part, right ? You see, i look upon the world a bit different then you and i find patterns that link all things and it’s all code in some way or another, but when you doing advanced programming it’s another thing, it’s sheer beauty !

I can go on for miles and miles about code and it’s beauty, but you would most likely stop reading after a while so i’ll rant about music instead, since that is the first thing i fell in love with and today it’s been a part of my life for almost 32 years, give or take a few months. When i listen to music, i analyse it and break it down to little pieces or parts. The harder the music is to enjoy then better i feel about the track or song, especially instrumental music since instrumental music has something that attracts me and most tracks are able to deliver emotions without the use of words. To be able to translate words in to sounds and at the same time give the listener an emotion of either joy or sadness is hard. It’s really hard, but some people do it really well and you get the point that they are trying to make.

If you take a track, an instrumental track, like Glenn Morrison’s “Blue Skies with Linda”, you can almost feel what Glenn Morrison is trying to tell you or at least you interpret the sounds as sadness and maybe even loneliness. But, if you take the lyrics from Johnny Cash’s cover of Nine Inch Nails “Hurt” and read the first 2-7 lines of the lyrics you get a certain emotion of the track and you link that emotion, in your thought process, with that track. By doing this you or at least i get very emotional and attached to certain songs or tracks that give me an emotion when i listen to them.

The lyrics for the song “Hurt” is as follows :
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

That lyric linked with the emotional performance of Johnny Cash makes it really hard to listen to, not because it’s emotionally difficult, but you get a feeling that the person singing isn’t really feeling that okay. Okay it’s a fact that this is the last song that Johnny Cash released before he died, but the lyrics are written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails and he is most likely the one who isn’t feeling to good at times.

Conclusion
Anyway, i think you get the point that i’m trying to write or at least trying to tell you. But if you aren’t getting the point of how my mind works, then please read once more and maybe then you’ll get inside my head, at least a part of it. The mind is a beautiful and complex thing.

Glenn Morrison “Blue Skies with Linda” (Original mix) – 8.48min

Johnny Cash “Hurt” – 4.02min